And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
