i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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