remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
