My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
