Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
