They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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