Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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