I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
