I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
