Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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