She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
