my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
