i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
