Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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