I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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