I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The feeling are messing with the penis
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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