I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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