her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
