from now on my penis is your penis
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
