I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
