I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
