We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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