I need help removing her.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
