I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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