i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
