Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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