Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
