you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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