Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
