Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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