Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
