If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
