Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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