He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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