i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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