We got so high we made milksteak
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
