It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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