you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
