So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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