How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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