dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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