i think i recognize dicks better than faces
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
