I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
