Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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