how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
