Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
