When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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