So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
