I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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