4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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