Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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