Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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