I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
