Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
