Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
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Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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