Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
