if you like me you must not know who I am
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
