im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
