I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
