she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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