My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
